I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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