its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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