Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
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HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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