her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
