is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
