i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The best revenge is premature balding
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
