is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
