Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
