WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
