I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My ATM looks so different sober.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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