Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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