Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
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Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
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As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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