NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
