apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
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I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
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The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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