My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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