This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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