My underwear smells like fireworks.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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