gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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