the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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