if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize