i would punch a child for taco bell
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
