her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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