I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
