She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
