grandma shit on top of the toilet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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