peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
