Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
