The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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