Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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