shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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