i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
