My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
