He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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