i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
