My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
