8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
