i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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