if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All I want is dick and wine.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
