She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
