She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
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She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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