I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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