I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
