Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY