Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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