between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
