thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
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the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
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If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize