apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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