he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
