Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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