Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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