Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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