Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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