oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
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