wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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