Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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