Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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