captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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