look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
